girl.

There's this girl in my class, she has this bizarre, choppy way of talking. It's like she interrupts herself.

But not in a mildly humorous ADD way. She's not timid or shy but for some reason she qualifies everything she says.




So, you'll try to have a conversation with her and there are these awkward moments where she is busy mumbling something vague to qualify what she just said- I don't think this crap is important [say something and “own it!”] so I start to tune out. Juuuust before she loses me and I lose track of what we're talking about, she reels me back in with getting back to the point. Almost.




Because it's on to the half-sentence/qualifier/half-sentence sandwich and frankly? It's exhausting.

It's sort of like hitting upon a valley while your bike riding: You zip down the first hill, but then immediately have to struggle up the second. And it's snowing. And icy. And there's a girl behind your shoulder... mumbling.




Right. And then you make it to the top of the hill and immediately cycle down the other side, meanwhile feeling all winded and worn out.




Kind of like a conversation with this girl.




You don't know when to step in, you struggle through the pay attention bit, and then suddenly she's ending the sentence.




And while you get the gist, you really don't know exactly what she just said.




Even better, you realize as she looks at you expectantly, she seems to have asked you a question.

Tired. Brains. Tired.

I'm really fucking sick of the whole "mental illness" deal.

That's it, I'm out. Done.

I keep forgetting to take my night meds, and it's a problem. I'm just getting sick of being sick. And I'll probably always be sick. Because my brand of sick can't be helped by yoga and GF/CF. And that sucks. But even if it could, I think I'd still be pissed off, because they would still be things that I have to do in order to be more careful than other people, because I'm not "normal".

[I am GF CF but, that's besides the point]

I just feel so damn tired.

I thought I was going to write more since I haven't written in a while.

But no one seems to give a fuck since people rarely comment so it's like, I should just take my sweet time anyway.

When more interesting things start oozing out of my brain, I'll let y'all know.

I AM THE AUTISM MONSTER COMING TO EAT YOUR BABIES

This is supposed to empower?

It introduces people to the idea that they should be terrified.

"During mood states like memory gets like kind of messed up umm... but it's like at first it's like when you're not quite there you start getting all of these ideas and it's great because you haven't had like good ideas for a while and I'm going to go and learn an instrument and I'm going to call up this person who I haven't talked to in six years and I'm going to talk to them for, you know, five hours on the phone, and I'm gonna rearrange my room at three o'clock in the morning and I'm gonna do this and that. And it starts to get a little crowded in your head and it starts to get a little fast and it starts to get a little overwhelming and it starts to get a little out of control where you kind of feel like you can't really control what you're doing, you can't really choose what you're doing, and you can't really... I don't know it's hard to explain... you can't really make sense of what you're doing anymore and people around you start to get concerned because you're doing things like throwing yourself at everybody who's around you and me, I would drink a lot when I got manic and I would say things when I got manic, I would say things like "Everybody's trying to control me why are you trying to control me?!" and would get in a lot of trouble. Like, put myself in physically dangerous situations where people were threatening me and things like that. It's just like... at the same time it feels great because you feel really... free."



That's verbatim what I said when asked to describe mania for my class. There's only five of us, so we're pretty intimate, and all of them knew I'm bipolar. I record classes, so I could write down afterward what I said.

I left stuff out.
But ultimately, I got through to one person.
My sister.
I've been concerned about her for years.
Mostly that she's bipolar II, and maybe some other issues.
I've also worried that I've been projecting my self onto her, but finally decided that I wasn't doing that, based on recent events.

I had her listen to me in class.

Before it was over she handed the recorder back to me and said she didn't want to listen to the rest of it.
She said she could relate to it. And that she felt like she was me, but one step up.
I said "yeah, that's called bipolar II"

So she admitted she needed help.

It's a progress.

Happy something.

I turned 27.

I can hardly believe it.

Side Effects

So I'm taking sertraline/Zoloft now and since about a weekish after I started it I've been having intestinal issues. The timing is odd so it's hard to sy if it's the medication, but I DID start by taking only half a tablet for a few days and then move to a whole tablet, so it's very possible and at this point I really think probably that it's the med.

Then I suddenly started to have heartburn about two weeks and a couple days after I started it. It started off mild but began to get pretty bad, getting severe as the day goes on.

I'm now taking omeprazole [prilosec] for that, which made me severely nauseous yesterday morning. To the point where I was tasting copper and holding my hand firmly over my mouth. I'm going pee all the time. Im very very thirsty.

I shake a lot. A lot more than I have been shaking. My father has noticed it and said that the other day and said I should just ease up on the medication.

*sigh*

I don't know. Maybe I should. But it's doing a little bit of good. Like, I'm not getting totally hysterically anxious. I'm still getting anxious, but it's not hysterical, so I'm inclined to give it more of a chance. I also have been having fewer obsessive ind of thoughts and my depression is better. It's hard to find meds that do good things for me without making me crazy or producing outright intolerable side effects.

But it's hard, what's intolerable?

My dad just doesn't put up with anything. But he's not crazy. And he's not a crazy person who's already been through a slew of medications.

So it's easy for him. It bothers him, fuck it.

But this made me think about the side effect/medication compliance thing and how psych patients really put up with a lot of shit. We are expected to deal with a lot of side effects that a lot of other people aren't. Like weight gain, cognitive dulling, diarrhea, excessive nausea, shaking and others.

It's so wrong. I we don't take it, we're more likely to be seen as non-compliant, if, say a migraine patient doesn't take a medication, they are more likely to be seen as making a personal decision about their health.

Anyway, I'm supposed to go up on the sertraline if I feel like I can, and I guess I'll try it. But I'm not sure what I'm going to do from there. I'm not sure if side effects are going to worsen or not.

What if the side effects get worse but the medication works better?

Zoloft and statistics

I have this plan. This plan includes getting A's in my classes in order to demonstrate that I am, basically, no longer the completely fucked up basket case that I was when I started college several years ago and managed to fail every class with the exception of the freshman introduction course. Which was pass/fail. Which was pretty much impossible to fail.

After that, I was in an out of school, sometimes getting A's and B's, sometimes getting F's depending on my mental state and current medication regimen and how effective or ineffective it was.

I'm doing better now.

I'm not trying to work AND go to school at the same time, and I'm not trying to do full-time school.

Still, sometimes it's a lot to handle even now.

I'm taking statistics and decided for some reason to take it in the summer. So it's shortened into 12 weeks instead of [I think] 15 weeks.

We also only meet once a week, so we are give the homework for say, chapter 6, then we bring it in the next class and that class we are tested on chapter 6. It's rough.

I don't think I'm doing well.

And I feel like I can't think because of this medication, the sertraline [generic zoloft]. I feel like I'm thinking sloooooow. Things just aren't coming to me.

I have a test today and I can't prepare for it. I'm very "blah" about things. I was in the same clothes for four days, and didn't brush my teeth for about the same amount of time.

I feel kind of indifferent to some things, but some things I'm just as anxious about.

And it's supposed to be helping with anxiety and secondarily depression.

Pregnancy and bipolar

I originally wrote this on 6/25/07 and drafted it for some reason.

When I was younger, i just assumed that I would have kids. I didn't think there was any planning or though involved. Didn't think of possible consequences really. Just... I get married, I have kids. Simple.

Not so simple.

I'm bipolar. I need to be on medication to maintain stability [if I get to a good stable point], I have to be healthy during the pregnancy and not expose the baby to anything that might harm it.

There's the first problem right there. The meds and the baby don't really get along. Though, while there have been reported problems with medications and pregnancies, there have also been pregnancies with no problems. I know I want to have children but I know that children need a stable environment and I can't make the promise that theirs always will be stable.

Many people feel very very strongly about this. The worries are mainly: What if I go crazy while pregnant? What if my kids go crazy? What if the medications hurt the kids? Or something around those themes.

There are few medications that are approved for use while pregnant. Folic acid, B6, thyroid medications are some. But if you have mental health issues, good luck with that. You have to start making decisions between the meds and the baby. Sometimes things turn out well, sometimes they don't.

I've found some articles, like one done by BP Magazine which looks at a couple different situations and how bipolar and medications can effect pregnancy or the decision to become pregnant at all. I feel like they don't get detailed enough though. I really want to know more about the medication side of it. [I would link to it but by this point the links no longer work]

What can I take? Why? What exactly will happen if I don't take my medications? Pretty much, I want it all laid out for me because I want to know exactly what is going to happen. But no one knows that, even in a “normal” pregnancy.

I wrestled for a long time about whether I wanted kids and then discovered I really did. Then I wrestled with if I should have them. Can I be “there” for them? Can I be a good parent and make clear-headed choices all the time? Will I always be able to help them with their homework?

The truth is: No. No one is a perfect parent. I think I can be a good parent, but not a perfect one. I can't always help them with homework, but I could a lot of the time. I may make mistakes. I might need some personal days, but a lot of parents do. I think as long as there is some good planning and a good support system in place, that it is definitely possible to have children and raise them in a loving, healthy environment. I think part of the trouble of making this decision is that being bipolar somehow makes us believe that we need to be a perfect parent to be able to be any kind of parent at all.

We don't. That isn't even a standard we hold to anyone else, so why hold it for ourselves? We need to be good parents. Which is perfectly reasonably and possible.

So long as we can get through the maze that is our health to get there.
A lot of doctors don't know how to treat pregnant bipolar/mentally ill women. They don't have adequate information. So some women are left suffering, are put at risk or have their babies put at risk needlessly. There is a real need for ob/gyns who understand psychotropic medication.

Dr. Stowe [in the article] described electroconvulsive therapy as “probably the most underutilized treatment for mental illness in pregnancy,” despite data extending from 1940 showing no adverse effects in pregnancy.

Badness

In a discussion with my boyfriend the other day, he made me realize that I have been at least mildly [and sometimes more] depressed and usually moderately [sometimes more] anxious for at least a year. Hell, maybe it's been even a year and a half or longer.

One of the problems is that I'm not being properly treated because I can't seem to confide properly in my psychiatrist, whom I still consider "new" and "scary". There's nothing wrong with him. He's an ok guy, I guess. But he's not my old doctor, who I was with for a little over two years and who I still wish I could see because I had finally started to put a little trust in the guy. Not that I didn't respect his opinion, but I was actually "opening up" to him.

[He moved to a different practice, community mental health, where I can't see him.]

Now this guy... it's just so hard to talk about what's going on to people.

I can write about it, sort of.

The anxiety. It's ruining my life. I have trouble making decisions. When I make decisions I have trouble following through on them because I'm worried something bad is going to happen and it's going to be all my fault and I don't know, the world is going to end or something. I have trouble with new things because I'm afraid that I will do the Wrong Thing and something bad will happen. Like, I have huge problems learning anything new at work because I double and triple check myself and what I'm doing and I'm afraid to do anything because I'm so afraid of the Wrong Thing. It's definitely fear that I feel.

So now I'm on Zoloft. Which I've tried before, and not much happened.

But he said that maybe Zoloft would work with the Wellbutrin. So, whatever, I'm willing to give it a try.

Where Am I Going

I can't figure out what it is exactly that I want to do with this blog.

Do i want to have a purpose? Try to express some meaningful message for "my readers"? [ha!]

I think for now, not really. I just kind of want a place where I can work things out. Shout a bit if I need to, mull over the confusing, cheer about the good, and generally babble on about the neutral.

Right now, I'm thinking about my Asperger's DX again.

My sensitivities are coming back, more specifically my sound sensitivities and I have no idea where they are coming from. The Abilify had helped with this a lot, and I could basically tolerate things like the vaccuum and the garage door and the ice machine as well as just loud things. Not like them, but at least tolerate them.

Now, it's like I'm not even taking the Abilify anymore. Lots of things bother me/hurt my ears. I'm really needing to bundle myself tightly at night again- I'm sleeping in a mummy sleeping bag to get the feeling of tightness, binding.

I'm looking into getting a weighted blanket but they are so damn expensive. I don't know if I can afford it. Probably not. So who knows when that will happen, if ever. It makes me really sad. Because i think a weighted blanket could help me sleep so much better. I've always used many blankets, but in the summer it gets so hot.

Soap is bothering me, which is a problem. I wash my hands and freak out from the feeling of the soap.

My parents bought new drinking glasses and tossed some of the old ones and it really threw me off. Really bothered me. Change is bad.